We meet again
Posted on Tuesday, June 04, 2019
Well hello darkness my old friend, we meet again. I liked it better when this line was part of a song and not when I actually meant it.
I thought I had managed to conjure up the energy required to explain my visit back here again. I even took a nap before this and told myself that this entry was to be deemed unnecessary and all that I was going through would soon pass like before - but no. I was disrupted from my slumber only to receive hostile remarks and guess where that puts me? In a pickle at least.
Let's just say that I had to go through a mild panic attack, and even allowed it to grow into a full blown one and I napped myself with dry tears. Still even now, this whole posts seems redundant and a waste of energy but I need to let it out and just let someone know..... I need help.
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I thought I had managed to conjure up the energy required to explain my visit back here again. I even took a nap before this and told myself that this entry was to be deemed unnecessary and all that I was going through would soon pass like before - but no. I was disrupted from my slumber only to receive hostile remarks and guess where that puts me? In a pickle at least.
Let's just say that I had to go through a mild panic attack, and even allowed it to grow into a full blown one and I napped myself with dry tears. Still even now, this whole posts seems redundant and a waste of energy but I need to let it out and just let someone know..... I need help.
Not enough
Posted on Sunday, December 30, 2018
My mental health is deteriorating and I've tried everything. I don't see my light at the end of this tunnel. I don't see an ending where I come out of this victorious. I tried. I don't even have the energy to do something as simple as pick up phone calls from friends because I've already ran out of reasons to make up to avoid going out late at night. I'm too tired to go out after my working hours and I'm too awake to even stay put in bed. I don't have the mental capacity to even game properly. Nothing makes me happy or even make me go "wow". I wanna vibe, I wanna chill, I wanna progress, I wanna be efficient. I wanna be happy. Being content is the max I'm allowing myself to be and I hate myself for it. I don't want to wait til the new year comes around to have a new mentality. I want it now. I don't want to procrastinate anymore. I want to be better. I know I can be better. I'm still waiting to wake up smiling for no damn reason. Today's meet and greet has depleted every ounce of social juice I have in me. I never even knew that "social juices" existed until today. I'm still grateful for everything that I have in my life right now. I don't ask for much. I just want to be happy. That's all. Yes, I'm taking every little victory bit by bit. It's still not enough.
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By Default
Posted on Sunday, November 18, 2018
As each day passes, a little bit of a chance of getting you back slowly diminishes and I'm not going to stop trying until I know there's nothing left to fight for. In hindsight, I'm fighting a losing battle and I'm not going to stop until I know there is no way of things getting better. Me wallowing in my self pity isn't exactly my idea of being charming nor will it actually seem attractive in any manner - as a matter of fact it'll just drive you further and further away. And the further you get, the sadder I become. It's a vicious cycle I know, and that's the predicament I'm in.
I know what I need to do, and what not to do in order to function normally and carry on with my life like any other human. This isn't the sadness talking anymore. This is my depressive episode coming back and I hate being this way but there is really no escape. I literally am not happy. I'm borderline contented. I should fight for my happiness, but what makes me happy? Nothing makes me happy anymore. The moment I wake up in the morning, as long as I'm breathing, I've already considered it a shitty day. I'm becoming toxic by the day and this is no way for a guy to get settled down. These are all the things in my head I want to spill to someone so I could feel a slight burden off my chest but I keep it in me every single time and to think about how I want to explain how I feel to anyone else but you, I get lazy and I don't have the heart to share with them my demons. I wish I could tell you how I've been feeling, let it all out, and just have you listen and hold me in the end. Everyday I'm reminded of what we could've been. It's not the main source of my sadness, but it's definitely fuel.
All I am is a fucking mess and I don't know what to do. I should be old enough to know what I should be doing to get over this. Why am I still a lost cause? And I suddenly remember that fateful walk.... "I'm already a lost soul. I don't need another lost soul in my life." Yeah that was the harshest truth and it stung the most. I thought I would've gotten it under control.
I've been pulling my hair every single time I see the clock pass by an hour because what have I done that would've helped me in the future? Nothing. I spend my days watching the clock pass by. I spend my nights sweating my ass off just so that I can feel tired enough to fall asleep because I've been taking way too many pills that I feel myself slowly getting dependant onto it. I'm so friggin toxic.
Now I'm just talking and rambling in circles because I don't have anyone else to share this with. Nobody is at home to engage me in a conversation to distract me even for abit. My brother has his own problems and all he does is just game. Maybe that's how people used to perceive me when I always had my nose stuck in my laptop because he just seems absent and the thought of talking to him is just useless.
Going to be blunt about this - but I actually planned to end my life by the end of the year. No joke. I went to search "How to commit suicide without making a mess" and "Painless ways to die", and funnily the SOS website popped up and I actually laughed HAHHAHA I actually laughed while typing because I remembered how ironic it was. Like can't a guy just kill himself in peace or anything? But yes, I won't kill myself until I know my job is done and that is after I've edited some videos and go on a few overseas trip for work. Funny how I dreamt about Dubai 2 years ago, and for the first time in my life I'm actually going to Dubai. Sadly it'll probably be my last trip ever. I also have to go for some Lombok trip before that and it wasnt even meant for me but of course I had to fill in so oh wells. I literally hate Lombok because that was my last trip with Charis and ugh just gonna stop there.
Some days I wake up thinking, I'm going to the mosque today and listen to the khutbah to hopefully find meaning to everything. Read the Quran. Pray. And most days I'm like, why am I even awake? Sadly this blog will be left behind in this world and this is all that people have to remember me by. I'm not a good friend. I'm not a good son, brother, partner, human being.
I'm honestly a waste of space. An embodiment of disappointment and nothingness. I have tried to learn to love myself. To have faith in myself. To get back that confidence to be me. Even I feel like I've set the bar too high for myself. I can't keep up with myself. I'm pulling myself down and I'm always at war with myself and everyone around me are witnesses and victims. That's why I've chosen not to let anybody else in my life. For the people that suddenly talked to me again after a period of time, I'll just remind them why they were away in the first place and allow them to save their energy that they're going to waste on me. Jeez just let me be done with this life already please. I don't see my happy ending anymore.
To those reading, and are trying to wrap their heads around why I feel this way, let me make it clear - Syafiqah has no part in this. I've always been "depressed" and have had a couple of down moments so she's not the reason for this pain I'm feeling. She's the one that has always been by my side helping me fight my depression by listening to me, bringing happiness in my life, and giving me hope of a brighter future. Obviously she's the reason for my heartbreak, but definitely not the reason why I want to kill myself. She just made my days less shitty and for that I'm eternally grateful.
LOL I just stoned for the past hour going through twitter looking at old convos and how I seemed happier back then. Sigh, no going back now I guess. Only forward....off the ledge. JUST KIDDING! I wouldnt want to jump off any buildings because it'll be too much work for someone to fix me back into a proper shape to be wrapped up for the grave. I dont know how I'm able to nonchalantly talk about this because I've maybe come to terms with it.
Sorry to my 10 loyal readers, whoever you are, for this long and random post. I haven't shared how I've been feeling in a long time so this is the only place for me to rant I guess.
PS. To whomever it may concern, if I ask to meet you and you can't make it, and then you realise that it was your last chance to see me, please don't feel guilty. It's my fault for not being flexible enough for your schedule but I promise we'll meet on the other side, after I've served my sentence in hell.
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I know what I need to do, and what not to do in order to function normally and carry on with my life like any other human. This isn't the sadness talking anymore. This is my depressive episode coming back and I hate being this way but there is really no escape. I literally am not happy. I'm borderline contented. I should fight for my happiness, but what makes me happy? Nothing makes me happy anymore. The moment I wake up in the morning, as long as I'm breathing, I've already considered it a shitty day. I'm becoming toxic by the day and this is no way for a guy to get settled down. These are all the things in my head I want to spill to someone so I could feel a slight burden off my chest but I keep it in me every single time and to think about how I want to explain how I feel to anyone else but you, I get lazy and I don't have the heart to share with them my demons. I wish I could tell you how I've been feeling, let it all out, and just have you listen and hold me in the end. Everyday I'm reminded of what we could've been. It's not the main source of my sadness, but it's definitely fuel.
All I am is a fucking mess and I don't know what to do. I should be old enough to know what I should be doing to get over this. Why am I still a lost cause? And I suddenly remember that fateful walk.... "I'm already a lost soul. I don't need another lost soul in my life." Yeah that was the harshest truth and it stung the most. I thought I would've gotten it under control.
I've been pulling my hair every single time I see the clock pass by an hour because what have I done that would've helped me in the future? Nothing. I spend my days watching the clock pass by. I spend my nights sweating my ass off just so that I can feel tired enough to fall asleep because I've been taking way too many pills that I feel myself slowly getting dependant onto it. I'm so friggin toxic.
Now I'm just talking and rambling in circles because I don't have anyone else to share this with. Nobody is at home to engage me in a conversation to distract me even for abit. My brother has his own problems and all he does is just game. Maybe that's how people used to perceive me when I always had my nose stuck in my laptop because he just seems absent and the thought of talking to him is just useless.
Going to be blunt about this - but I actually planned to end my life by the end of the year. No joke. I went to search "How to commit suicide without making a mess" and "Painless ways to die", and funnily the SOS website popped up and I actually laughed HAHHAHA I actually laughed while typing because I remembered how ironic it was. Like can't a guy just kill himself in peace or anything? But yes, I won't kill myself until I know my job is done and that is after I've edited some videos and go on a few overseas trip for work. Funny how I dreamt about Dubai 2 years ago, and for the first time in my life I'm actually going to Dubai. Sadly it'll probably be my last trip ever. I also have to go for some Lombok trip before that and it wasnt even meant for me but of course I had to fill in so oh wells. I literally hate Lombok because that was my last trip with Charis and ugh just gonna stop there.
Some days I wake up thinking, I'm going to the mosque today and listen to the khutbah to hopefully find meaning to everything. Read the Quran. Pray. And most days I'm like, why am I even awake? Sadly this blog will be left behind in this world and this is all that people have to remember me by. I'm not a good friend. I'm not a good son, brother, partner, human being.
I'm honestly a waste of space. An embodiment of disappointment and nothingness. I have tried to learn to love myself. To have faith in myself. To get back that confidence to be me. Even I feel like I've set the bar too high for myself. I can't keep up with myself. I'm pulling myself down and I'm always at war with myself and everyone around me are witnesses and victims. That's why I've chosen not to let anybody else in my life. For the people that suddenly talked to me again after a period of time, I'll just remind them why they were away in the first place and allow them to save their energy that they're going to waste on me. Jeez just let me be done with this life already please. I don't see my happy ending anymore.
To those reading, and are trying to wrap their heads around why I feel this way, let me make it clear - Syafiqah has no part in this. I've always been "depressed" and have had a couple of down moments so she's not the reason for this pain I'm feeling. She's the one that has always been by my side helping me fight my depression by listening to me, bringing happiness in my life, and giving me hope of a brighter future. Obviously she's the reason for my heartbreak, but definitely not the reason why I want to kill myself. She just made my days less shitty and for that I'm eternally grateful.
LOL I just stoned for the past hour going through twitter looking at old convos and how I seemed happier back then. Sigh, no going back now I guess. Only forward....off the ledge. JUST KIDDING! I wouldnt want to jump off any buildings because it'll be too much work for someone to fix me back into a proper shape to be wrapped up for the grave. I dont know how I'm able to nonchalantly talk about this because I've maybe come to terms with it.
Sorry to my 10 loyal readers, whoever you are, for this long and random post. I haven't shared how I've been feeling in a long time so this is the only place for me to rant I guess.
PS. To whomever it may concern, if I ask to meet you and you can't make it, and then you realise that it was your last chance to see me, please don't feel guilty. It's my fault for not being flexible enough for your schedule but I promise we'll meet on the other side, after I've served my sentence in hell.
Invisible
Posted on Wednesday, November 14, 2018
i am tired and uninspired.
i am used batteries.
i am talent-less and stale.
i am a book that's been read and now sits on the shelf.
i am a broken guitar string.
i am useless.
i am invisible.
everyday i feel like i'm at war with the world.
some days i feel like i'm standing on the tallest mountain screaming at the top of my lungs, "look at me, please look at me." if loneliness ever needed a definition, it'd be me.
i see countless faces everyday but do they see me? no.
i am alone.
i am invisible.
all i want to do is to help people like me.
i want to hold you and kiss your scars and say, "i swear to God it'll be okay.
not today, but one day.
one day you will wake up and smile for no damn reason." but today we can cry.
today, we can be invisible.
today, we can be invincible.
today, we can be invincible.
All I need
Posted on Monday, October 22, 2018
The final nail in The Coffin. It’s done. They say that when a guy gets over a girl, somewhere deep inside his heart he still keeps a sacred part just for her in any case that they get back together. But when they say that when a girl is over you, it’s a done deal. It’s over. Like OVER over.
She managed to play her mind games and I was foolish enough to fall for it. I kept track of the photos of me on her timeline. There were 6 in total, which included 1 direct photo of me and the other 5 were indirects, which meant that a part of me was still in it. Today there are only 2 photos of me left and the only direct photo of me has finally been deleted. So that’s 33% left. In my eyes, I'm already diminished. I'm insignificant. It's the end. I should be happy that she's totally over me. I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that some part of her is feeling the way I feel on a daily basis. But no, today I want to break things. I want to punch people in their faces. I want to die. My sternum has been aching the whole day and a HUGE part of me was wishing that it would be bad enough to make me pass out and eventually wither away. But just like me - it never lived up to its expectation.
Another issue that has been bugging me - but it's not really a surprise, was her tweet:
So the only thing that my mind is registering from this tweet was the last few words - "AFTER SO MANY MISERABLE MONTHS"........ Like I know I caused her nothing but misery, but was it really THAT miserable that it had to be projected out loud like a knife right in the chest? Maybe she didn't mean it THAT way but I perceived it it that manner because I know that I wasn't at my best when I was with her and that will always haunt me. Or maybe in her eyes this was literally a wasted and inefficient year for her. This has probably been a year of suffering for her and it was definitely a lesson learnt. A damn painful one at that.
ANOTher post that caught my eye -
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She managed to play her mind games and I was foolish enough to fall for it. I kept track of the photos of me on her timeline. There were 6 in total, which included 1 direct photo of me and the other 5 were indirects, which meant that a part of me was still in it. Today there are only 2 photos of me left and the only direct photo of me has finally been deleted. So that’s 33% left. In my eyes, I'm already diminished. I'm insignificant. It's the end. I should be happy that she's totally over me. I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that some part of her is feeling the way I feel on a daily basis. But no, today I want to break things. I want to punch people in their faces. I want to die. My sternum has been aching the whole day and a HUGE part of me was wishing that it would be bad enough to make me pass out and eventually wither away. But just like me - it never lived up to its expectation.
Another issue that has been bugging me - but it's not really a surprise, was her tweet:
So the only thing that my mind is registering from this tweet was the last few words - "AFTER SO MANY MISERABLE MONTHS"........ Like I know I caused her nothing but misery, but was it really THAT miserable that it had to be projected out loud like a knife right in the chest? Maybe she didn't mean it THAT way but I perceived it it that manner because I know that I wasn't at my best when I was with her and that will always haunt me. Or maybe in her eyes this was literally a wasted and inefficient year for her. This has probably been a year of suffering for her and it was definitely a lesson learnt. A damn painful one at that.
ANOTher post that caught my eye -
What clips was she talking about?? This was posted on the 21st of October (Sunday) which was a day after the A1 concert... WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE DATE OF THE PROPOSAL. I had it all planned. It was properly mapped out but of course I can never follow through with anything in my life.
(3 hours later)
I finally broke down. THe alcohol is kicking in. Stress is piling. My chest is getting heavier. I've finally cried again after Emonight. I finally feel tears running down my face after so long. I thought I ran out of it. I guess it's finally showing... My deteriorating self and how it's been affecting me and my everyday life.
No, I will not say I'm sorry for the way I am because different people have different ways to react to things. And mine is slightly toxic but it has gotten me this far and I'm still alive, unfortunately, but yeah. A part of me will still hang on to that slither of hope to better and greater days but as of right now, it's just pitch black and I'm not afraid. It's not the end. After dark shall come light. It may take awhile.... but it's still coming nonetheless.
I just need a hug that's all.