As each day passes, a little bit of a chance of getting you back slowly diminishes and I'm not going to stop trying until I know there's nothing left to fight for. In hindsight, I'm fighting a losing battle and I'm not going to stop until I know there is no way of things getting better. Me wallowing in my self pity isn't exactly my idea of being charming nor will it actually seem attractive in any manner -  as a matter of fact it'll just drive you further and further away. And the further you get, the sadder I become. It's a vicious cycle I know, and that's the predicament I'm in.

I know what I need to do, and what not to do in order to function normally and carry on with my life like any other human. This isn't the sadness talking anymore. This is my depressive episode coming back and I hate being this way but there is really no escape. I literally am not happy. I'm borderline contented. I should fight for my happiness, but what makes me happy? Nothing makes me happy anymore. The moment I wake up in the morning, as long as I'm breathing, I've already considered it a shitty day. I'm becoming toxic by the day and this is no way for a guy to get settled down. These are all the things in my head I want to spill to someone so I could feel a slight burden off my chest but I keep it in me every single time and to think about how I want to explain how I feel to anyone else but you, I get lazy and I don't have the heart to share with them my demons. I wish I could tell you how I've been feeling, let it all out, and just have you listen and hold me in the end. Everyday I'm reminded of what we could've been. It's not the main source of my sadness, but it's definitely fuel.

All I am is a fucking mess and I don't know what to do. I should be old enough to know what I should be doing to get over this. Why am I still a lost cause? And I suddenly remember that fateful walk.... "I'm already a lost soul. I don't need another lost soul in my life." Yeah that was the harshest truth and it stung the most. I thought I would've gotten it under control.

I've been pulling my hair every single time I see the clock pass by an hour because what have I done that would've helped me in the future? Nothing. I spend my days watching the clock pass by. I spend my nights sweating my ass off just so that I can feel tired enough to fall asleep because I've been taking way too many pills that I feel myself slowly getting dependant onto it. I'm so friggin toxic.

Now I'm just talking and rambling in circles because I don't have anyone else to share this with. Nobody is at home to engage me in a conversation to distract me even for abit. My brother has his own problems and all he does is just game. Maybe that's how people used to perceive me when I always had my nose stuck in my laptop because he just seems absent and the thought of talking to him is just useless.

Going to be blunt about this - but I actually planned to end my life by the end of the year. No joke. I went to search "How to commit suicide without making a mess" and "Painless ways to die", and funnily the SOS website popped up and I actually laughed HAHHAHA I actually laughed while typing because I remembered how ironic it was. Like can't a guy just kill himself in peace or anything? But yes, I won't kill myself until I know my job is done and that is after I've edited some videos and go on a few overseas trip for work. Funny how I dreamt about Dubai 2 years ago, and for the first time in my life I'm actually going to Dubai. Sadly it'll probably be my last trip ever. I also have to go for some Lombok trip before that and it wasnt even meant for me but of course I had to fill in so oh wells. I literally hate Lombok because that was my last trip with Charis and ugh just gonna stop there.

Some days I wake up thinking, I'm going to the mosque today and listen to the khutbah to hopefully find meaning to everything. Read the Quran. Pray. And most days I'm like, why am I even awake?  Sadly this blog will be left behind in this world and this is all that people have to remember me by. I'm not a good friend. I'm not a good son, brother, partner, human being.

I'm honestly a waste of space. An embodiment of disappointment and nothingness. I have tried to learn to love myself. To have faith in myself. To get back that confidence to be me. Even I feel like I've set the bar too high for myself. I can't keep up with myself. I'm pulling myself down and I'm always at war with myself and everyone around me are witnesses and victims. That's why I've chosen not to let anybody else in my life. For the people that suddenly talked to me again after a period of time, I'll just remind them why they were away in the first place and allow them to save their energy that they're going to waste on me. Jeez just let me be done with this life already please. I don't see my happy ending anymore.

To those reading, and are trying to wrap their heads around why I feel this way, let me make it clear - Syafiqah has no part in this. I've always been "depressed" and have had a couple of down moments so she's not the reason for this pain I'm feeling. She's the one that has always been by my side helping me fight my depression by listening to me, bringing happiness in my life, and giving me hope of a brighter future. Obviously she's the reason for my heartbreak, but definitely not the reason why I want to kill myself. She just made my days less shitty and for that I'm eternally grateful.

LOL I just stoned for the past hour going through twitter looking at old convos and how I seemed happier back then. Sigh, no going back now I guess. Only forward....off the ledge. JUST KIDDING! I wouldnt want to jump off any buildings because it'll be too much work for someone to fix me back into a proper shape to be wrapped up for the grave. I dont know how I'm able to nonchalantly talk about this because I've maybe come to terms with it.

Sorry to my 10 loyal readers, whoever you are, for this long and random post. I haven't shared how I've been feeling in a long time so this is the only place for me to rant I guess.

PS. To whomever it may concern, if I ask to meet you and you can't make it, and then you realise that it was your last chance to see me, please don't feel guilty. It's my fault for not being flexible enough for your schedule but I promise we'll meet on the other side, after I've served my sentence in hell.

Would you like to leave a comment? 0 Comments