All I need
Posted on Monday, October 22, 2018
The final nail in The Coffin. It’s done. They say that when a guy gets over a girl, somewhere deep inside his heart he still keeps a sacred part just for her in any case that they get back together. But when they say that when a girl is over you, it’s a done deal. It’s over. Like OVER over.
She managed to play her mind games and I was foolish enough to fall for it. I kept track of the photos of me on her timeline. There were 6 in total, which included 1 direct photo of me and the other 5 were indirects, which meant that a part of me was still in it. Today there are only 2 photos of me left and the only direct photo of me has finally been deleted. So that’s 33% left. In my eyes, I'm already diminished. I'm insignificant. It's the end. I should be happy that she's totally over me. I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that some part of her is feeling the way I feel on a daily basis. But no, today I want to break things. I want to punch people in their faces. I want to die. My sternum has been aching the whole day and a HUGE part of me was wishing that it would be bad enough to make me pass out and eventually wither away. But just like me - it never lived up to its expectation.
Another issue that has been bugging me - but it's not really a surprise, was her tweet:
So the only thing that my mind is registering from this tweet was the last few words - "AFTER SO MANY MISERABLE MONTHS"........ Like I know I caused her nothing but misery, but was it really THAT miserable that it had to be projected out loud like a knife right in the chest? Maybe she didn't mean it THAT way but I perceived it it that manner because I know that I wasn't at my best when I was with her and that will always haunt me. Or maybe in her eyes this was literally a wasted and inefficient year for her. This has probably been a year of suffering for her and it was definitely a lesson learnt. A damn painful one at that.
ANOTher post that caught my eye -
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She managed to play her mind games and I was foolish enough to fall for it. I kept track of the photos of me on her timeline. There were 6 in total, which included 1 direct photo of me and the other 5 were indirects, which meant that a part of me was still in it. Today there are only 2 photos of me left and the only direct photo of me has finally been deleted. So that’s 33% left. In my eyes, I'm already diminished. I'm insignificant. It's the end. I should be happy that she's totally over me. I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that some part of her is feeling the way I feel on a daily basis. But no, today I want to break things. I want to punch people in their faces. I want to die. My sternum has been aching the whole day and a HUGE part of me was wishing that it would be bad enough to make me pass out and eventually wither away. But just like me - it never lived up to its expectation.
Another issue that has been bugging me - but it's not really a surprise, was her tweet:
So the only thing that my mind is registering from this tweet was the last few words - "AFTER SO MANY MISERABLE MONTHS"........ Like I know I caused her nothing but misery, but was it really THAT miserable that it had to be projected out loud like a knife right in the chest? Maybe she didn't mean it THAT way but I perceived it it that manner because I know that I wasn't at my best when I was with her and that will always haunt me. Or maybe in her eyes this was literally a wasted and inefficient year for her. This has probably been a year of suffering for her and it was definitely a lesson learnt. A damn painful one at that.
ANOTher post that caught my eye -
What clips was she talking about?? This was posted on the 21st of October (Sunday) which was a day after the A1 concert... WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE DATE OF THE PROPOSAL. I had it all planned. It was properly mapped out but of course I can never follow through with anything in my life.
(3 hours later)
I finally broke down. THe alcohol is kicking in. Stress is piling. My chest is getting heavier. I've finally cried again after Emonight. I finally feel tears running down my face after so long. I thought I ran out of it. I guess it's finally showing... My deteriorating self and how it's been affecting me and my everyday life.
No, I will not say I'm sorry for the way I am because different people have different ways to react to things. And mine is slightly toxic but it has gotten me this far and I'm still alive, unfortunately, but yeah. A part of me will still hang on to that slither of hope to better and greater days but as of right now, it's just pitch black and I'm not afraid. It's not the end. After dark shall come light. It may take awhile.... but it's still coming nonetheless.
I just need a hug that's all.
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