It comes in waves
Posted on Sunday, September 23, 2018
The second week mark. These overwhelming slumps are starting to come into regularity now. Whenever these things happen it feels like my entire chest cavity is being smothered in smoke, thicker than any other cigarette could ever achieve. Maybe I like this feeling because it's the closest thing I get to dying. Just wish it had a stronger downfall and just really leave me breathless and finally allow me to wither away.
Sadly, my coping mechanisms are still in order which means I haven't really made any proper improvements as a human being from a few heartbreaks ago. I want to be better. I really do. Not to show off and have the whole "OH look at me now I'm doing way better without you" because I'm obviously not. I want this for myself and for my own being. I lose a sense of identity whenever someone claims a piece of my heart and I become a slight reflection of what my partner is or wants me to be and that is why when they leave, a huge chunk of me leaves with them and I end up empty. It's a reoccurring cycle and I'm not sure how much more heartbreaks I can take in this life.
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Sadly, my coping mechanisms are still in order which means I haven't really made any proper improvements as a human being from a few heartbreaks ago. I want to be better. I really do. Not to show off and have the whole "OH look at me now I'm doing way better without you" because I'm obviously not. I want this for myself and for my own being. I lose a sense of identity whenever someone claims a piece of my heart and I become a slight reflection of what my partner is or wants me to be and that is why when they leave, a huge chunk of me leaves with them and I end up empty. It's a reoccurring cycle and I'm not sure how much more heartbreaks I can take in this life.
So yes, I've been on a self-destructive binge. Moping around, being more inefficient than usual, and yes my ever so grand homecoming into the night scene, which I still hate but can't find a replacement for. I don't even have the mental capacity for gaming because it doesn't distract me as much as it did the last time. It's a Sunday and I wanted to hike alone but guess who overslept and is too lazy to even step out of his room.
I honestly know how to avoid these impending dooms from reoccurring but I'm still too stubborn to ignore them. It usually only happens when I open her Instagram stories and TWO of them so far has hit me right in the feels.
Emails were our thing. It was was our personal touch of a modern day romance of exchanging love letters. Not so surprisingly, my stupidity left our last exchange with a salty after taste. I should've known better that she would be getting shit emails from her uppers and is suffering from even opening them up and of course my name would've brighten up her day, right? Well wrong because my email consisted of my pettiness saying how I haven't received any form of affection from her and that caused her to feel even shittier. You know what would've been a better email though? A secret email containing secrets and planned surprises containing bread because that definitely would've been the best thing for her at that moment, or any moment of any day for that matter. Someone already beat me to it so sucks to be you Dan.
Another was just bad timing and bad luck. I really wanted to take her out to watch Lion King exactly 2 weeks ago (THE day) but I could already see the signs that she was going to let go of me. She was already in the mood to not talk to me for a few days and to surprise her like this would've only agitated her more. I mean you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. But to be fair, if someone else did it instead of me they'd probably get a better response. She had shoot at MBS that day and I was thinking just nice we could walk over to the theatre and watch straight after her shoot, but she didn't want to meet me until that very night where I was shot in the heart.
Yes I'm overly-dramatizing it but what do you expect from a heartbroken guy who's still in denial? The head understands the situation, but the heart still refuses to let go and with each finger letting go of this ledge, the waves increases.
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