28 days
Posted on Sunday, October 07, 2018
So I skipped the 3rd week because I convinced myself I shouldn't be hung up about it. I convinced myself I'd get over it if I just let it go and continue on with my life. I convinced myself that I'm bigger than this and I need not to spill my feelings. I convinced myself I was fine, am fine and am going to be fine.
Oh how wrong I was.
It was during the 3rd week, it came - the inevitable breakdown. I was alone at emonight, there was no one around me. I cried alone at the table just wishing someone would hold me, but that would've just made me cry even more. But I was alone, and any company would've sufficed. I was so lonely.
Well I told myself I'd give it a month and I'll probably message her again and see where I stood to see if I should give it another try. I gave myself time to break down and fix myself. Well today is that day. Officially one month since the break up and how am I feeling? Sad.
Sad not because I'm single.... Sad just because I know that I don;t deserve her and I shouldn't have to bother about bringing her back into my life because I really can't give anything more. They said if you love someone so much you'd be willing to give everything and more for that person, and too be honest I have no regrets in that department because I've already given my all. That too is another reason why I'm sad. My all has never been and probably will never be enough for her or for anyone for that matter. I'm still stuck in this pit.
I'm just too sad to write anything more because I'm all out of words and the only thing for me to do now is to move forward and get over this like any other human beings should.
This is probably the last time I'll write about her and I still havent gotten any proper closure so let me just say it here and hope she sees this one day.
I pray that you move onto bigger and better things in life because you deserve nothing short of the world. You deserve a guy who loves you unconditionally and someone who'll drop everything he has on his plate in an instant to attend to your needs. Someone who will give you memories to talk about everyday, someone who will guide you to Jannah, someone who will take care of you, someone who will fulfill your needs and make your dreams a reality. I wish it could've been me, but thank you for giving me a chance.
I'm sorry for everything I did and didn't do.
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Oh how wrong I was.
It was during the 3rd week, it came - the inevitable breakdown. I was alone at emonight, there was no one around me. I cried alone at the table just wishing someone would hold me, but that would've just made me cry even more. But I was alone, and any company would've sufficed. I was so lonely.
Well I told myself I'd give it a month and I'll probably message her again and see where I stood to see if I should give it another try. I gave myself time to break down and fix myself. Well today is that day. Officially one month since the break up and how am I feeling? Sad.
Sad not because I'm single.... Sad just because I know that I don;t deserve her and I shouldn't have to bother about bringing her back into my life because I really can't give anything more. They said if you love someone so much you'd be willing to give everything and more for that person, and too be honest I have no regrets in that department because I've already given my all. That too is another reason why I'm sad. My all has never been and probably will never be enough for her or for anyone for that matter. I'm still stuck in this pit.
I'm just too sad to write anything more because I'm all out of words and the only thing for me to do now is to move forward and get over this like any other human beings should.
This is probably the last time I'll write about her and I still havent gotten any proper closure so let me just say it here and hope she sees this one day.
I pray that you move onto bigger and better things in life because you deserve nothing short of the world. You deserve a guy who loves you unconditionally and someone who'll drop everything he has on his plate in an instant to attend to your needs. Someone who will give you memories to talk about everyday, someone who will guide you to Jannah, someone who will take care of you, someone who will fulfill your needs and make your dreams a reality. I wish it could've been me, but thank you for giving me a chance.
I'm sorry for everything I did and didn't do.
It comes in waves
Posted on Sunday, September 23, 2018
The second week mark. These overwhelming slumps are starting to come into regularity now. Whenever these things happen it feels like my entire chest cavity is being smothered in smoke, thicker than any other cigarette could ever achieve. Maybe I like this feeling because it's the closest thing I get to dying. Just wish it had a stronger downfall and just really leave me breathless and finally allow me to wither away.
Sadly, my coping mechanisms are still in order which means I haven't really made any proper improvements as a human being from a few heartbreaks ago. I want to be better. I really do. Not to show off and have the whole "OH look at me now I'm doing way better without you" because I'm obviously not. I want this for myself and for my own being. I lose a sense of identity whenever someone claims a piece of my heart and I become a slight reflection of what my partner is or wants me to be and that is why when they leave, a huge chunk of me leaves with them and I end up empty. It's a reoccurring cycle and I'm not sure how much more heartbreaks I can take in this life.
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Sadly, my coping mechanisms are still in order which means I haven't really made any proper improvements as a human being from a few heartbreaks ago. I want to be better. I really do. Not to show off and have the whole "OH look at me now I'm doing way better without you" because I'm obviously not. I want this for myself and for my own being. I lose a sense of identity whenever someone claims a piece of my heart and I become a slight reflection of what my partner is or wants me to be and that is why when they leave, a huge chunk of me leaves with them and I end up empty. It's a reoccurring cycle and I'm not sure how much more heartbreaks I can take in this life.
So yes, I've been on a self-destructive binge. Moping around, being more inefficient than usual, and yes my ever so grand homecoming into the night scene, which I still hate but can't find a replacement for. I don't even have the mental capacity for gaming because it doesn't distract me as much as it did the last time. It's a Sunday and I wanted to hike alone but guess who overslept and is too lazy to even step out of his room.
I honestly know how to avoid these impending dooms from reoccurring but I'm still too stubborn to ignore them. It usually only happens when I open her Instagram stories and TWO of them so far has hit me right in the feels.
Emails were our thing. It was was our personal touch of a modern day romance of exchanging love letters. Not so surprisingly, my stupidity left our last exchange with a salty after taste. I should've known better that she would be getting shit emails from her uppers and is suffering from even opening them up and of course my name would've brighten up her day, right? Well wrong because my email consisted of my pettiness saying how I haven't received any form of affection from her and that caused her to feel even shittier. You know what would've been a better email though? A secret email containing secrets and planned surprises containing bread because that definitely would've been the best thing for her at that moment, or any moment of any day for that matter. Someone already beat me to it so sucks to be you Dan.
Another was just bad timing and bad luck. I really wanted to take her out to watch Lion King exactly 2 weeks ago (THE day) but I could already see the signs that she was going to let go of me. She was already in the mood to not talk to me for a few days and to surprise her like this would've only agitated her more. I mean you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. But to be fair, if someone else did it instead of me they'd probably get a better response. She had shoot at MBS that day and I was thinking just nice we could walk over to the theatre and watch straight after her shoot, but she didn't want to meet me until that very night where I was shot in the heart.
Yes I'm overly-dramatizing it but what do you expect from a heartbroken guy who's still in denial? The head understands the situation, but the heart still refuses to let go and with each finger letting go of this ledge, the waves increases.
Happily Never After
Posted on Sunday, September 09, 2018
There was a time where I saw a happy ending to this. It was well within reach but I'm not sure why I always find myself lacking in a few departments. I'm a lost boy yet again and I'll probably find solace in my self-destructive ways because that's the way I'm wired to cope with loneliness.
I've never really liked myself whenever I'm alone since my happiness always depended on others around me. That's what makes me a little boy still I guess. Like a kid waiting for his mom in the line at the supermarket. Or waiting for an alarm clock to ear-rape me instead of waking my damn self up.
It's my fault. It's not self-pity, it's a realization. I've done so badly in my most recent break up (an hour ago) and the one before this one. I always thought maybe they were acts of selfishness to leave me hanging but after much thought, I've come to terms with it and it seems pretty obvious it's my fault all of this turned out this way.
"I'm sorry we turned out this way", she said a week after I found her in bed with her husband to be. At first I was pissed, like why would you say "WE" when you did this to me? But it was me... It was I that drove you to that point where you had to seek affection and protection in the arms of another. Never got that closure. Never will I guess.
Another slap in the face where I was told "Where were you when I needed you" today, thinking what about all the other times when I was actually there? But after hearing her side of the story, all it took was a few missed calls, a few misread situational words and my selfishness that made me realise how selfish I was when she REALLY needed me. I dropped the ball on my happily ever after and it's out of my reach to make someone stay when they themselves need their own version of a happily ever after. Never got the closure as well.
Two relationships, not a single one where I had proper closure. Maybe I didn't deserve of these closures. I used to think like why would they be so mean to leave me hanging without proper reasoning, but the answer was right in my mirror. I was such a bad person that I didn't deserve any closures.
I'm getting used to it now. People walking in and out of my life. I've come to terms with it for now that is. Not sure when the inevitable breakdown will happen but let me write this out now before I completely lose my mind, What sucks is the restart honestly. I have to rewire myself and continue like this was a well learnt lesson. But man the memories sting like a bitch. It's slowly creeping at the back of my head and I'm typing faster to get it all out before I start to shiver uncontrollably.
Fuck man. No more morning rides, night video calls, lame memes, corny inside jokes, snoring cuddles and damn good food. Damn you Dan. How did you manage to fuck this one up?
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I've never really liked myself whenever I'm alone since my happiness always depended on others around me. That's what makes me a little boy still I guess. Like a kid waiting for his mom in the line at the supermarket. Or waiting for an alarm clock to ear-rape me instead of waking my damn self up.
It's my fault. It's not self-pity, it's a realization. I've done so badly in my most recent break up (an hour ago) and the one before this one. I always thought maybe they were acts of selfishness to leave me hanging but after much thought, I've come to terms with it and it seems pretty obvious it's my fault all of this turned out this way.
"I'm sorry we turned out this way", she said a week after I found her in bed with her husband to be. At first I was pissed, like why would you say "WE" when you did this to me? But it was me... It was I that drove you to that point where you had to seek affection and protection in the arms of another. Never got that closure. Never will I guess.
Another slap in the face where I was told "Where were you when I needed you" today, thinking what about all the other times when I was actually there? But after hearing her side of the story, all it took was a few missed calls, a few misread situational words and my selfishness that made me realise how selfish I was when she REALLY needed me. I dropped the ball on my happily ever after and it's out of my reach to make someone stay when they themselves need their own version of a happily ever after. Never got the closure as well.
Two relationships, not a single one where I had proper closure. Maybe I didn't deserve of these closures. I used to think like why would they be so mean to leave me hanging without proper reasoning, but the answer was right in my mirror. I was such a bad person that I didn't deserve any closures.
I'm getting used to it now. People walking in and out of my life. I've come to terms with it for now that is. Not sure when the inevitable breakdown will happen but let me write this out now before I completely lose my mind, What sucks is the restart honestly. I have to rewire myself and continue like this was a well learnt lesson. But man the memories sting like a bitch. It's slowly creeping at the back of my head and I'm typing faster to get it all out before I start to shiver uncontrollably.
Fuck man. No more morning rides, night video calls, lame memes, corny inside jokes, snoring cuddles and damn good food. Damn you Dan. How did you manage to fuck this one up?
The view from up here
Posted on Thursday, February 22, 2018
It wasn't easy then, and it won't be easy now. These thoughts will only be conjured the moment my next breath decides my fate, and I hate that this is what I had to do to dig it out of my mind.
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Did I tell my mom I love her?
Did I clear every single debt?
Did I catch up with people worth meeting up with?
Did I leave anyone behind?
Did I leave clear instructions?
Did I make amends to those I have wronged?
Did I delete enough off my Internet history?
Did I allow my social media platforms to depict who I really was?
Did I deactivate my social media platforms yet? Should I?
Did I throw enough clothes away?
Did I leave any money behind in case of an emergency?
Did I leave behind a legacy worth remembering?
Did I do everything I could?
Even if I did do all of those and my conscious is clear and precise, all it takes is just one WHAT IF and an avalanche of other WHAT IFS would soon ensue.
All I'm seeing are lights with the view from up here, but just like it was back then, the breeze was soothing.
Dear shadow
Posted on Monday, November 27, 2017
It's all over now baby blue. Sing your announcement over the ridge and let your echoes smother every dew collected on the brown and dying sun ridden grass. It's no big deal that the soil is still very rich in nutrients, no big deal that the roots are pretty much outstretched to gather every single ounce of water available, no big deal that new patches are trying to fight their way through the mist to catch a glimpse of the sun's rays.
It doesn't really matter what you do if there are no results right there in peoples' faces because no one gives two shit about the process that's needed to produce result. Effort is futile when any other Tom, Dick and Harry can produce the same results with a snap of their fingers.
I'm exhausted from trying to prove people wrong because they still choose to see what they believe in. I've always had a love-hate relationship with feeling this way because on some days, I make it my absolute life mission to prove people wrong and shove it down their throats, and on other days I choose to not waste the little energy I have left and just brush it off like water off a duck's back. This weekend has definitely drawn the line for me on what I should do when I feel like this.
Something which I've learnt over the past year, but still fail to follow up on it, is to stop putting my faith and happiness on people. May it be a single entity, or even a group of friends - nobody should have access to the rights of whether I sleep happy or even carry on life as per normal. That should be something that only I have the power to.
Honestly, writing this is already wasting too much time and energy. I don't even feel the need to rant but I think I might actually lose what's left of my sanity if I keep it in and I'm still very wary of opening up to people so I still keep stuff to myself so there's that.
At this very point, I'm very lazy to continue and I shall continue zombie-ing through my edits because right now, work is top priority, right above family. Funnily, I thought I saw hope for a change in my life's direction, but I guess once I again i was too hasty with my decisions and I should always wait things out. If i miss the opportunity to seize anything, it's not because I never tried, it's because whatever "it" is wasn't patient enough for me so I shouldn't be sorry for who I am.
Funny how I started this off with words trying to explain how I feel but it ended up as an impractical synonym.
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It doesn't really matter what you do if there are no results right there in peoples' faces because no one gives two shit about the process that's needed to produce result. Effort is futile when any other Tom, Dick and Harry can produce the same results with a snap of their fingers.
I'm exhausted from trying to prove people wrong because they still choose to see what they believe in. I've always had a love-hate relationship with feeling this way because on some days, I make it my absolute life mission to prove people wrong and shove it down their throats, and on other days I choose to not waste the little energy I have left and just brush it off like water off a duck's back. This weekend has definitely drawn the line for me on what I should do when I feel like this.
Something which I've learnt over the past year, but still fail to follow up on it, is to stop putting my faith and happiness on people. May it be a single entity, or even a group of friends - nobody should have access to the rights of whether I sleep happy or even carry on life as per normal. That should be something that only I have the power to.
Honestly, writing this is already wasting too much time and energy. I don't even feel the need to rant but I think I might actually lose what's left of my sanity if I keep it in and I'm still very wary of opening up to people so I still keep stuff to myself so there's that.
At this very point, I'm very lazy to continue and I shall continue zombie-ing through my edits because right now, work is top priority, right above family. Funnily, I thought I saw hope for a change in my life's direction, but I guess once I again i was too hasty with my decisions and I should always wait things out. If i miss the opportunity to seize anything, it's not because I never tried, it's because whatever "it" is wasn't patient enough for me so I shouldn't be sorry for who I am.
Funny how I started this off with words trying to explain how I feel but it ended up as an impractical synonym.