The way you said "We"
Posted on Wednesday, December 07, 2016
Writing is a writer's way of bleeding and I've yet to bleed for the past few weeks, only to realise there's no more blood left in me.
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As misguided as a wandering ghost in search for a purpose, I've been everywhere and anywhere but still nowhere. A simple quote from my vice-principal back in highschool keeps conjuring up in my mind like a broken tape recorder - "He who wants to be everywhere will end up nowhere", such powerful words I'll hold dearly to my heart.
I'm already experiencing a mental block just trying to explain how distraught I am at the moment. I used to be cool headed enough to lay it all out and tackle each problem at a time but everything has been hitting me straight in the face at warp speed that I'm always caught off guard. It's as if every time I inhale, my lungs are already exhaling and there's a congestion along my trachea and I'm left asphyxiated.
I keep telling myself I'm okay (I still believe so) and I have to keep reassuring the people around me that I am too (But obviously I'm not). But who am I trying to prove right or wrong? I try so hard to write even better than I ever had done before but for what? I try to keep it in but for what? I try to stay strong but for what? I act like it doesn't bother me but for what?
I'm battling myself to continue writing this in hopes that I'll feel somewhat relieved that I manage to get a meager ounce of burden off my chest, and yet it's so hard to let it out. I don't believe there's nobody out there who would listen to my story wholeheartedly without passing a single judgement. I can try my best to spend my precious time trying to convince them of my value but we all know that we can't please everyone.
Has any of the paragraphs I've written made sense or do they even share any correlation between each of them? (My head says no and IF there's anyone reading this they'd probably say no as well) BUT BUT BUT... listen.. BUT THIS IS THE PERFECT REPRESENTATION OF HOW I'M FEELING AT THE MOMENT (You probably skipped a few lines before reading this because you saw the caps on it and skipped to see what it was that I was exclaiming about)
What I'm trying to say is that I'm letting of bits and pieces from every aspect of my mind but I can't seem to funnel a singular problem and slowly start there. Everything starts pouring out yet still at a slow rate and it's killing me inside that I'm not able to deliver my message in a more orderly manner (Hoping anyone would actually read this but we know no one does)
There is one significant highlight in the midst of this mayhem that managed to stand out and it literally caught me off guard because after a long time, I believed I was dead inside but it sort of warmed my heart. I forgot who it was I was conversing with because voices were bombarding my poor mind and in a split second of realization, the way it said "we" just shut every other voices in my head.
"We" was something I haven't heard for a long time because I always thought that all I had was "Me"
1 Comments:
Hi Dan,
I read this and sure many others do too. I hope you feel better by now and that you are not letting yourself suffer in silence. Speak to someone you trust or a professional if you need to. If writing is a positive outlet, keep writing away. I like your work. ;)
I sense that you are a smart, creative and talented person who is just having a pretty rough time right now. Only you and God knows the extend of these trials but do not let it consume you. You got this Dan! Take care and stay Awshum Pawshum!
Love,
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