There was a time where I saw a happy ending to this. It was well within reach but I'm not sure why I always find myself lacking in a few departments. I'm a lost boy yet again and I'll probably find solace in my self-destructive ways because that's the way I'm wired to cope with loneliness.

I've never really liked myself whenever I'm alone since my happiness always depended on others around me. That's what makes me a little boy still I guess. Like a kid waiting for his mom in the line at the supermarket. Or waiting for an alarm clock to ear-rape me instead of waking my damn self up.

It's my fault. It's not self-pity, it's a realization. I've done so badly in my most recent break up (an hour ago) and the one before this one. I always thought maybe they were acts of selfishness to leave me hanging but after much thought, I've come to terms with it and it seems pretty obvious it's my fault all of this turned out this way.

"I'm sorry we turned out this way", she said a week after I found her in bed with her husband to be. At first I was pissed, like why would you say "WE" when you did this to me? But it was me... It was I that drove you to that point where you had to seek affection and protection in the arms of another. Never got that closure. Never will I guess.

Another slap in the face where I was told "Where were you when I needed you" today, thinking what about all the other times when I was actually there? But after hearing her side of the story, all it took was a few missed calls, a few misread situational words and my selfishness that made me realise how selfish I was when she REALLY needed me. I dropped the ball on my happily ever after and it's out of my reach to make someone stay when they themselves need their own version of a happily ever after. Never got the closure as well.

Two relationships, not a single one where I had proper closure. Maybe I didn't deserve of these closures. I used to think like why would they be so mean to leave me hanging without proper reasoning, but the answer was right in my mirror. I was such a bad person that I didn't deserve any closures.

I'm getting used to it now. People walking in and out of my life. I've come to terms with it for now that is. Not sure when the inevitable breakdown will happen but let me write this out now before I completely lose my mind, What sucks is the restart honestly. I have to rewire myself and continue like this was a well learnt lesson. But man the memories sting like a bitch. It's slowly creeping at the back of my head and I'm typing faster to get it all out before I start to shiver uncontrollably.

Fuck man. No more morning rides, night video calls, lame memes, corny inside jokes, snoring cuddles and damn good food. Damn you Dan. How did you manage to fuck this one up?

Would you like to leave a comment? 0 Comments