Dreams > Life
Posted on Tuesday, September 24, 2013
"What if one day you woke up and decided to be a painter, and I just don't fit into your lifestyle anymore?"
"Pause, pause.. PAUSE!"
"Can you promise me that's not going to happen?"
"PAUSE!"
Running my very own hands around my neck and locking my fingers together. Slowly bringing in my elbows closer towards each other. The closer they get, the warmer I become, the safer I feel. Warmth, with a sense of belonging. Heavy sighing as my eyeballs goes berserk under the protection of my tightly sealed eye-lids. The slightest movements that could mean so much more if it were to be someone else's touch instead of mine. Quivering at my wake, only to find I've been laying in a pool of sweat.
I've been lost in thoughts lately. Physically responding as per normal to my daily stimulus, yet I don't think I'm in actual control of my actions. Everything, everyday is just another routine. A repertoire I've grown to memorize even if I end up blind or/and deaf. Then there's moments where I snap back into a first person concept of thinking - what am I doing?
Have I been sleepwalking? Is my body working on its own? If thinking is irrelevant about what I'm doing at that moment, what difference does it make if I were a zombie?
Maybe I already am.
Reality becomes a blur, and dreams are becoming vivid. So vivid that I believe I'm in a nightmare right now, and dreaming is actually me really living life. Heaving sighs on a bench surrounded by the rustling breeze no longer calms my mind. It solely reminds me of how pathetic I am. A relentless war constantly tearing me apart bit by bit within myself. I'll never be contented with anything that life has to offer.
I haven't felt this lonely since the day Coco was taken away by my cousin. I miss Coco. I miss the whole idea of waking up and having someone to greet in the morning. I've been missing alot of people lately. Then again, sometimes I wonder why I'm spending time sitting alone somewhere, when I should be making an effort to meet them.
Slowly, listing down names of people I want to meet, then waves of complications start to arise as I over-think and over-evaluate (as usual). Then I realize why I'm sitting alone here.
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"Pause, pause.. PAUSE!"
"Can you promise me that's not going to happen?"
"PAUSE!"
Running my very own hands around my neck and locking my fingers together. Slowly bringing in my elbows closer towards each other. The closer they get, the warmer I become, the safer I feel. Warmth, with a sense of belonging. Heavy sighing as my eyeballs goes berserk under the protection of my tightly sealed eye-lids. The slightest movements that could mean so much more if it were to be someone else's touch instead of mine. Quivering at my wake, only to find I've been laying in a pool of sweat.
I've been lost in thoughts lately. Physically responding as per normal to my daily stimulus, yet I don't think I'm in actual control of my actions. Everything, everyday is just another routine. A repertoire I've grown to memorize even if I end up blind or/and deaf. Then there's moments where I snap back into a first person concept of thinking - what am I doing?
Have I been sleepwalking? Is my body working on its own? If thinking is irrelevant about what I'm doing at that moment, what difference does it make if I were a zombie?
Maybe I already am.
Reality becomes a blur, and dreams are becoming vivid. So vivid that I believe I'm in a nightmare right now, and dreaming is actually me really living life. Heaving sighs on a bench surrounded by the rustling breeze no longer calms my mind. It solely reminds me of how pathetic I am. A relentless war constantly tearing me apart bit by bit within myself. I'll never be contented with anything that life has to offer.
I haven't felt this lonely since the day Coco was taken away by my cousin. I miss Coco. I miss the whole idea of waking up and having someone to greet in the morning. I've been missing alot of people lately. Then again, sometimes I wonder why I'm spending time sitting alone somewhere, when I should be making an effort to meet them.
Slowly, listing down names of people I want to meet, then waves of complications start to arise as I over-think and over-evaluate (as usual). Then I realize why I'm sitting alone here.
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